A rare occurrence:
There was a knock on the door this morning,
I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".
I said "Come in and sit down."
......"Now what do you want to talk about"?
He said, " F%&*$d if I know I've never got this far before"
There was a knock on the door this morning,
I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".
I said "Come in and sit down."
......"Now what do you want to talk about"?
He said, " F%&*$d if I know I've never got this far before"
Comments12
This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday -
I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his homemade wine under the stairs. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.
I then opened the third bottle and poured it too down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.
A woman was standing nude in front of the mirror and she says " I am fat and ugly and my boobs are almost down to my knees. I feel so depressed." Then she turns to her husband and says " Don't just sit there, give me a compliment." So the the husband says " Your eyesight is F'n perfect!"
The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to
jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have
ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
The Mexican Maid The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Jor huzban he say so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Jor hozban did" Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed." Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"Maria: "No Señora...... The gardener did." Wife: "So how much do you want?"
Whats pink and wrinkly and hangs out your Jocks?
Your mum of course.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, andthen leaves.* SALMON DAY.The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to getscrewed and die.
Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.Mick says 'how you doin?'Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed .He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.They say 'yer right Mick.. prove it.'Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of f#ckin one?'
Pete,
For those of us who have been around a little while Mr Corbett did display his number 99 on a few occassions! in fact some of the best i have seen! I do miss seeing him behind the wheel. the ol 66 was a fast machine in its day. Peter Edgar said:
I have a go kart joke...
" KART 99... KART 99.. PLEASE REMOVE YOUR KART FROM THE CENTRE OF THE IN FIELD...".
" Sorry... cancel that... KART 66... ARE YOU IN TROUBLE...??? "...
The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the MCG in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!" Gillard replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope backhanded the bitch.
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
Two cops are sitting in a patrol car in a country town, talking about life and drinking coffee, when one of the cops notices a huge, dumb, lug of a man dragging some really big link chain up main street. the cop summons up all the courage he has got and aproches the bloke. "Excuse me sir, why are you dragging that chain up the main road. The man looks down at the chain, then back at the cop and says "Have you ever f****** tried pushing one
Simon Furzer said:
The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the MCG in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!" Gillard replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope backhanded the bitch.